Hello my little corner of the interweb. It's been a while. I've been discouraged, distracted, uninspired and/or busy since my last post. There have been many times where I wanted to sit down and write, if only because it's easier than therapy, but I have been feeling constrained by what this blog used to be. I just don't know what it is. Perhaps I will try to post when the mood strikes and we will see what happens.
For those of you who read, but don't know me personally, my mom passed away almost exactly seven months ago and within a two week span of that we closed on our townhouse. Almost exactly four months ago I had my second baby. After a fantastic 12 week leave I transitioned back to work. To say life has been chaotic would be an enormous understatement.
It is not an understatement to say I could not have done the last few months without my besties. I'm so blessed that I have friends who are so fabulous. I don't see them often, in fact aside from my husband I don't have close friends in NYC, but a have some amazing people who I know would be there for me in a second if needed. And sometimes it's when you go through the real shit that you recognize those connections.
It's the friends who messaged and texted when they found out about my mom's and didn't judge me for not replying. And for not telling them I was in town. The friends who came to her funeral. My friend (and one of my mentors) who was about the only one I really felt I could break down to because she knew EXACTLY all my feelings. The friends who sat with my after the funeral and talked about anything but my mom because I was six months pregnant and just couldn't with the feelings and helped make me look busy so I didn't have to speak to people I didn't know.
The friends who sent things for my boys after Bricktini arrived just because them love them.
My friend who messages with me daily and listens to my rants and offered to come cook, clean my house and do actual helpful things after Bricktini was born.
I'm far on the introversion scale. And I don't do well with having any feelings (good or bad). But holy shit friends, it means the world to me even if I don't call you when I have a rough one to know that you would be there if I needed.
Losing a parent makes you feel isolated - you just lost someone you turned to, and your family is grieving too and for me I have a hard time having feelings when someone else is. Having a newborn literally isolates you. You people (you know who you are) have made me feel like I was never alone and have been so kind to make space for whatever I needed.
I can't thank anyone enough who's been through the last year with me. Truly.
If anyone reading this is going through a rough patch, and is feeling along, I hope and I encourage you to really look around. Look hard because it's hard to recognize when you're in the middle of it and the support they give may be subtle. I hope you find amazing people around you who you love the way I was able to fully see and appreciate the people around me.